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If you're happy and you know it you're drunk.
Updated 7 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
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My wife is a lot more understanding about this guy Snowden's motives than she was about mine when I read her diary.
Updated 7 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
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I am now fully committed to never getting out of bed again.
Updated 8 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Maybe UFC fighters have all that aggression because they have to dress like that.
Updated 8 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
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If I'm really honest with myself, I don't deserve fruit kabobs.
Updated 8 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
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Hanging out at home. http://t.co/AusOAXz6hW
Updated 9 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
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What I lack in physical strength I make up for in lack of endurance.
Updated 9 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
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Just checked Charlie Sheen's Twitter page to see if he is still using the word "epic." Good news: he is.
Updated 11 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Glad I'm not allergic to peanuts because then somebody would go, "Wait, you're allergic to penis?" And then everybody would laugh at me.
Updated 11 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
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I'm indoors. My waiter is wearing sunglasses. Yet somehow I feel like the asshole.
Updated 11 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
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AMBER ALERT: I AM ABOUT FIFTY FEET AWAY FROM MARIO LOPEZ
Updated 11 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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"I don't know, what do you want to eat?" - helping out the NSA with a summary of all my phone calls.
Updated 11 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Yes, kids say the darndest things, but let's not forget they also say some pretty stupid shit, too.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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@EugeneMirman Wow! So slim! Fucking great. All I want is for Axl to be healthy and happy.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Awesome! RT: @nekocase HEY, LOOK!!! IT'S FINALLY DONE!! http://t.co/waFGiGtB4i
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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@EugeneMirman This is possibly the only rock show I could be jealous of you for attending. Congrats. Please report on Axl's approx. weight.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Just think about me thinking about baseball. RT @DannyZuker @mshowalter Great. Now I'm hard.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Great question. Answer: Topics. RT @kenlowery @mshowalter What will you guys be discussing on your show
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
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In case you missed it, here is the OFFICIAL ART for my new 10-part podcast with @mshowalter "Topics." Coming soon. http://t.co/f8zHRCrUs1
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Coming soon: a new 10 part podcast in which @mshowalter and I really get into it. Prepare your minds for... "Topics."
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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How do you NOT love that @andykindler is on Letterman tonight? Answer: You don't not love it.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Is-thay is-ay e-thay est-bay ay-way o-tay ool-fay e-thay NSA-ay.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Honestly, I'll be a little hurt if I find out the NSA wasn't eavesdropping on my calls.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Ugh. Now we're in a holding pattern. Guess I'll have another cognac. #firstclass
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
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From "NYT" review of "Much Ado" "perhaps the liveliest and most purely delightful movie I have seen so far this year." Congrats @josswhedon
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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. @JessOelsener Thanks. It's great to be able to share my #firstclass experiences with people who will never have them.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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New Yorkers, @robdelaney is at Caroline's all this weekend. You should come. (Pun VERY MUCH intended.)
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
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Flight is almost over, and not a moment too soon. All this pampering is going to go to my head! #firstclass http://t.co/MlZV5w44Ch
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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All of them. RT @Ryan__Fallon are you near any celebrities in #firstclass ?
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
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Honestly, the food on this flight has been so good, I feel like I just joined the Mile High Club. PUT TREADMILLS IN FIRST CLASS!!! LOL!
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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ARGH! Too many first-run movies to choose from!!! #firsclass
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Asked the steward to please remove a few people in coach from Wi-Fi to see if it helps my internet speed. #firstclass
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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A lot of us are just kind of stretched out now, full after a good meal. We're like a bunch of well-dressed kittens. #firstclass
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
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Woman next to me just took a pill without offering me one. Kind of a coach move up here in #FirstClass.
Updated 13 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
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Looks like a good group with me at the front of the plane this morning. Gettin' ready to make some new friends. #FirstClass
Updated 13 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
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Before I make any unnecessary detours on an upcoming road trip - truckstop hookers are a myth, right?
Updated 13 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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@joshgroban @robdelaney Who is the harsh mistress now, Josh. The moon? Or you? OR YOU??? (Reference to "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress.")
Updated 13 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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@joshgroban @robdelaney @Interpol I specifically said NOT the band! You PURPOSELY misconstrued my words! You are an awful baritone man.
Updated 13 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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@joshgroban @robdelaney @Support ATTENTION: @interpol (not the band, the stylish European police agency)
Updated 13 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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@joshgroban @robdelaney WHOA! This is the kind of potty-mouthed filth I was warning people about. @support, I want to report a singer.
Updated 13 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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@joshgroban @robdelaney From, "So She Dances:" "She moves with the music The song is her lover" A little "out there" for teens, Josh?
Updated 13 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Probably going to start wearing a bunch of medals.
Updated 13 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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#blessed RT @KenJennings it's harder than ever to be a celebrity because now on top of everything else you need to look a little bit Asian
Updated 13 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Still trying to find the perfect combination of food and pills to make everything better.
Updated 13 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Just chewed myself out. Am I going to get mouth cancer?
Updated 13 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Idea to make baseball more fun: super effeminate umpires.
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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How is it possible to look as sleepy as Mark Teixeira and still be a professional athlete?
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Even though I'm literally thinking about baseball, earlier conversation is pretty much keeping any libido solidly in check.
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Exhibit B shithead. RT @MikeChase2795 @lizzwinstead So have men you self-righteous cunt.
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Exhibit A shithead. MT @WillCMoore I once forced a girl to have sex with because she said she didn't want to. Appropriate to joke about?
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Agree. MT @hongdotcom The point isn't "stop talking about rape" Be smarter/funnier about how you talk about rape so you don't shit on women.
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Ugh. This goes to my first point. RT @coerciveaxe26 nice to see some women still need protected from big bad words. They should grow a pair.
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Yes. Read it. RT @erin_uniquename http://t.co/3ei3hKtxDX … "If Comedy Has No Lady Problem, Why Am I Getting So Many Rape Threats?"
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Why? RT @BloodCybernetic no its something that everyone should be qualified in accepting is basically off limits
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Another point: "rape jokes" are just a stand-in for any topic people find offensive: ethnicity, abortion, cancer, whatever.
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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This is my point exactly. RT @kimnaeseth and what's intended in rape jokes? what's so funny about violence against (primarily) women?
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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michaelianblack
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Rare, sincere tweet re: "rape joke" debate. Often (and often unfortunately) people see in a joke what they want, not what was intended.
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Just in case you've forgotten how brilliant Stephen Colbert is: http://t.co/w2r9uORq6j
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Have we reached the point in society yet where it's okay for me to say I hate the Indigo Girls?
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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As I get older, I am less upset by human conflict and more upset by stickers on fruit.
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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I feel like today you get blocked. RT @Prolly_onDrugs I feel like everyday you get less funny
Updated 15 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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SPOILER ALERT: For the season finale of "Game of Thrones," they reveal the dragons are CGI.
Updated 15 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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I think the Naked Cowboy is still out there. :(
Updated 15 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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After smelling your feet, why the fuck would I give you something good to eat?
Updated 15 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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A Billy Idol cameo would have been awesome in "Game of Thrones" last night.
Updated 15 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Last night, Game of Thrones proved that marriage is a terrible institution.
Updated 15 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Somehow, this was the week throat cancer almost became sexy.
Updated 15 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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You guys know I was kidding in my last tweet, right? Cancer is obviously funny.
Updated 16 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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You may have noticed I'm not writing any Michael Douglas tweets because cancer isn't funny. If he'd had an abortion, I'd be all over it.
Updated 16 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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America gave Jaden Smith a much-needed spanking.
Updated 16 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Technology is amazing. Like, how can the ATM tell the difference between a twenty dollar bill and the tip of my penis?
Updated 16 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Just cleaned the interior of my car. Never doing that again.
Updated 16 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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What if I take an allergy pill and it helps and then somebody expects me to go outside?
Updated 16 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Here's something I will never do: join a country club. I know that because I am currently at a country club.
Updated 16 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
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My nose is running and I have a cough so if you MUST French kiss me, sanitize your tongue afterwards.
Updated 16 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Do presidents ever spoon with other presidents?
Updated 17 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Can we all please just agree that nachos are really, really good for you?
Updated 17 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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michaelianblack
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Everything I know is wrong if even a Will & Jaden Smith/M. Night Shyamalan three way isn't an out-of-the-park homerun. #suicidal
Updated 17 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Abortions go to Sandy Hook? Ew. MT @MartyBooms I take it you like abortions. I guess they aren't real unless they go to Sandy Hook
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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I only support places that abort babies, like Pizza Hut. RT @MartyBooms If they did everything but abortions would you still support them?
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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In the 80's, as today, PP helped women. MT @SouthernVoodoo @michaelianblack needs to talk about is how he loves the 80's, then he was funny.
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Planned Parenthood never laughs when demonstrating putting condoms on cucumbers! #exposepp
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Planned Parenthood never issues spoiler alerts when talking about "Game of Thrones!" #exposepp
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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I know! Plus, I had to keep putting quarters in. RT @Trisha829 Not funny.
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Planned Parenthood took my parking space!!! #exposepp
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Planned Parenthood gave my wife prenatal vitamins... but they weren't gummi vitamins!!! #exposepp
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Planned Parenthood used their abortion vacuum to clean my car. #exposepp
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Honestly, if you don't follow @mrgeorgewallace you have nobody to blame but yourself and whoever is holding you down. #ff
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
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michaelianblack
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As a grown-up I am still afraid of snakes and Metallica.
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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I want to join the party. RT @life_as_rocco @ColinHanks Today marks 1 year for me as a Cancer Survivor. Can I get a RT? #standup2cancer
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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There must be something about my boyish charm that says to hotel clerks, "Put him right above the construction site."
Updated 18 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Somebody invented that bumpy ceiling stuff and nobody was like, "That looks stupid"?
Updated 19 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
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Hung. RT @redguitar008 What did you want to be when you grew up?
Updated 19 days ago via web Permalink
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