Home > Michael Ian Black
Pretty soon we will all be dead. | 1,652,243 Fans ON FIRE! Chance of Friendship: Dream On! 7.7 Tweets Per Day (TPD) 16.1% Reply Rate 88.4% Link Posting Location: Land of Go For It! + Map |  @michaelianblack Official Site | |
Unless celebrities ALSO have a huge zit on the backs of their necks, they are NOT just like me.
Updated about 2 hours ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
The red band trailer for my life would be exactly the same as the regular trailer.
Updated about 3 hours ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
I have derived as much pleasure from licking nacho cheese dust from my fingers as I have from any other life experience.
Updated about 7 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
The British accent I talk to myself with when I am alone sounds better in the shower. PLEASE UPDATE YOUR FILES.
Updated about 10 hours ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Just in case you forgot to order "America, You Sexy Bitch," DON'T WORRY: there is still time. http://t.co/nVnJORm8
Updated about 10 hours ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
My comings and goings need more pyrotechnics.
Updated 1 day ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Pretty good joke I just thought of: You're so dumb your forehead is a threehead.
Updated 1 day ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Bitch, don't even tell me I'm not gonna drink my tea outside in this weather.
Updated 1 day ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Now I am following @trevorjudesmith. I suggest you do the same.
Updated 1 day ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Shut up. Fuck you. RT: @BattleshipMovie
The ultimate battle at sea is almost here! Get advance tickets to see #Battleship
Updated 1 day ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
"If you throw up, I will make you eat it." - actual thing I just said to my child regarding cole slaw.
Updated 2 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Perfect, Ann. Thanks. RT: @AnnCoulter liberals ecstatic obama is "1st gay president." who are the "teabaggers" now?
Updated 2 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Opthamologically speaking, I'm far more impressed by the fact that you can see London and France from here than my undergarments.
Updated 2 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
If anybody wants to understand the purpose of Twitter, please refer to my last tweet. Thanks.
Updated 2 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
My sneeze patterns: 1 = below average. 2 = average. 3+ = above average.
Updated 2 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
99% of you did not do as much mulching as I did today. I am the 1%.
Updated 2 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Oh hi hammock, you seem kind of lonely. Mind if I lay on top of you for the next eighteen hours?
Updated 2 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
I get so mad at myself when I like a commercial.
Updated 2 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Weekend kid fun: put a star-shaped cookie cutter over your child's butthole when they poop and watch their delight at star-shaped doodies.
Updated 2 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Pity @robdelaney. His prejudice against Hawaiian pizza is just ignorance masked as fear disguised as stupidity.
Updated 2 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
IMPORTANT SCIENCE FACT: Everything viewed under a microscope looks scary.
Updated 3 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
They told me about Hawaiian pizza and I didn't listen. Now I'll be spending the rest of my life making up for lost time.
Updated 3 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
This guy's great! Don't forget the @nealbrennan Comedy Central 1/2 hour premieres tonight at 11:30/10:30 CST.
Updated 3 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
As far as drinking Diet Cokes goes, I'm pretty good.
Updated 3 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
I'm so sorry that you have to watch this: RT: @funnyordie http://t.co/rl3qSvNn
Updated 3 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
My friend @Robburnett1 is currently doing a Reddit AMA bragging about his washboard abs. Gross.
Updated 3 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Decided to get out of bed at dawn today simply to enjoy the peace and quiet and crippling anxiety.
Updated 3 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Everybody, we can do magical things together if we just have faith and also magic.
Updated 4 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
There should be a booth at fairs where you can lick a ballerina's neck for a dollar.
Updated 4 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Carrots, we pluralize. But celeries? NO!!!
Updated 4 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
John McCain hates the title of the book I wrote with @McCainBlogette. "America, You Sexy Bitch." Out 6/13. Order now.
Updated 4 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
IMPORTANT DISCOVERY: Horse poo smells okay.
Updated 4 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
The older I get, the more interesting the insides of my nostrils become.
Updated 4 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
New attitude today: Upbeat, invigorated, full of positive enahfuckit
Updated 4 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
They need to stop making TV shows until I'm caught up.
Updated 4 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
The most romantic show in TV history - aw hell, in all history: http://t.co/kSadmzRO
Updated 5 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Nerds are the new nerds. Shut up about being a nerd, nerd.
Updated 5 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Is it too late for the networks to pick up a show where there's a genius but he has one leg and then everybody votes?
Updated 5 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Is it too late for the networks to pick up a show where some dude is all like, "I'm gonna hurl!" and then a doctor comes but it's a tranny?
Updated 5 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
There should be a thing where I'm wearing a bathing suit and everybody's like, "You look great!"
Updated 5 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
To any billionaire donors: I will be willing to say anything for your money.
Updated 5 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
The Taco Bell/Dunkin Donuts/Men In Black tie-ins have got me questioning everything I once believed in.
Updated 5 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
A quick Tuesday #ff, @kenjennings, who has done so much to introduce the phrase "computer overlord" into our language.
Updated 6 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Less than a month until @mccainblogette and I save America. http://t.co/BDvROT9F
Updated 6 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
To those asking: the word "kumquat" has never been funny. It went from exotic straight to kitschy. Please remove all jokey references.
Updated 6 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Historically, the word "coconut" was funny from 1919-1934, 1961-1973, October 1985, and we may be seeing a revival. Running the numbers now.
Updated 6 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
I think the word "coconut" might be circling back around to being funny again.
Updated 6 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Going to get pet food without even being asked a third time.
Updated 6 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Just worked for an entire hour, which is more than any man should have to endure.
Updated 6 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Dear Diary, I don't know if I prefer skinny Jessica Simpson or chubby Jessica Simpson. HELP!!!
Updated 6 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
If I was a big league pitcher I would definitely throw side arm because it looks kick ass and also I would give every batter the finger.
Updated 6 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Considering the fact that they always lose when I do, why do the Yankees still let me watch their games?
Updated 7 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
If an offer of all the tea in China is supposed to tempt me, it's not working.
Updated 7 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
To quote @robdelaney: "good guy." @BuddyRoemer is the lead candidate on @AmericansElect. Needs 4000 more delegates at http://t.co/xVFVyHfV
Updated 7 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Is anybody else having this problem: every time I do a Google search for "big creamy tits" all I get are links for porn.
Updated 7 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
CVS sells prescription drugs and ice cream and Justin Bieber fan magazines and Rogaine and I love America.
Updated 7 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
If anybody needs any light electrical work or masonry done, DM me. I can't help but I like getting messages.
Updated 7 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
New MATES up and runnin'. (Use of "dropped g" to indicate maximum fun.) http://t.co/pz0slpPi
Updated 7 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Best way to let people know you're fun and "get it:" drop the "g" on active verbs. Ex.: Instead of "fishing," say "fishin'."
Updated 7 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
I've thought about it for a while, and I've decided I would be okay if Dave Grohl cut his hair.
Updated 7 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Question for people who go out and do stuff: what's your problem?
Updated 7 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Mother's Day is basically over so I'm back to taking my wife for granted.
Updated 8 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Thanks for totally stretching it out on our behalf, moms.
Updated 8 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
In honor of Mother's Day, I didn't say a word when my wife overcooked my eggs this morning.
Updated 8 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful wife and beautiful secret other wife.
Updated 8 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Hey artists, more paintings of ponies eating apples, please.
Updated 8 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Whole milk strains the same through pantyhose as skim milk.
Updated 9 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
The Beatles are good but if they'd added (While My Dick Is In Your Puss) to the title "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," they would have been great.
Updated 9 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
In-flight magazines make me feel sad for words.
Updated 9 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Bought a book called "Robopocalypse" because you kind of have to when a book is called that.
Updated 9 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
While I'm flattered Smoky thinks otherwise, I'm not the only one who can prevent forest fires.
Updated 9 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
This is honestly great. Thank you, @birbigs http://t.co/vrYNnf38
Updated 9 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
If you want to win a copy of "America, You Sexy Bitch," do so here: http://t.co/xjW5IiJi
Updated 10 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Bummed because my bod looks a little TOO ripped.
Updated 10 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
WTF? Obama just appointed Clooney Secretary of Handsome? That's not even a thing!
Updated 10 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Wake me when male ponytails are back in fashion. I don't want to live until that day.
Updated 10 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
I continue to feel guilt-ridden after stealing a line from @birbigs yesterday. It was unintentional but I should have realized. Mea culpa.
Updated 10 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Great idea: "Overpants". It's underwear you wear over your pants. For when you want to do that.
Updated 11 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Old men wearing floppy-brimmed hats are cooler than young men no matter what they wear.
Updated 11 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Just found out the floor isn't lava.
Updated 12 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
With their "big announcement" today, the White House is obviously trying to distract us from the fact that I can't find my phone.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
I can't quit you. RT @DiGiornoPizza We don't see any rings on these fingers. RT @michaelianblack Can I marry pizza now?
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Hey Obama, if you love gay marriage so much, why don't you marry it?
Updated 12 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
The term "butt buddies" is a pretty good term.
Updated 12 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
He also hates me. RT @McCainBlogette
My dad hates the title of my new book with @michaelianblack. Here's why I kept it: http://t.co/zlOpvKkI
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
My best Twitter friend, the underemployed @joshmalina, deserves all the follows he can get. (Written out of equal parts guilt and love.)
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
If you need to keep a gratitude journal, your life has already gone over Shit Mountain.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
I compliment ten great writers and get shit on by ten more. Hollywood, right? Fucking Hollywood.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
My totally thoughtful top ten Twitter wizards you must follow: http://t.co/dOGWE7H1
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
Now I understand what the Wright Brothers were trying to fly away from.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
michaelianblack
Magician of the heart.
Magician of the heart.
This is the bottom of the page....
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