Home > Daniel Tosh
not a doctor | 2,938,387 Fans ON FIRE! Chance of Friendship: Dream On! 0 Tweets Per Day (TPD) 0% Reply Rate 0% Link Posting Location: beach + Map |  @danieltosh Official Site | |
I should sue the @nfl for all my concussions. 30 years of banging my head against the wall watching the dolphins.
Updated 10 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
not a doctor
not a doctor
maybe everyone doesn't deserve a 2nd chance. if i can be perfect why can't you?
Updated 11 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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doing a book signing tomorrow at barnes & noble. bring your own book -- I haven't written one yet.
Updated 11 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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danieltosh
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the day i notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day i'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Updated 11 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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congrats ryan tannehill, welcome! who was the hot blonde you were sitting by?
Updated 24 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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who do i think the @MiamiDolphins will take in this years draft? i wouldn't be surprised if they traded up to get JaMarcus Russell.
Updated 25 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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#mockdraft to all espn reporters 'pretending' to make picks. I hope you feel as stupid as you look.
Updated 25 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
danieltosh
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not cool. just found out the IRS put a tax lien on 2Pac's hologram. #DeadSouljaProblems
Updated 27 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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congrats lakers, big win. too bad you can't take out the other teams best role player every game. 'world peace' should be put to sleep.
Updated 28 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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ugly, gross, and cold out... thanks for putting your only foot forward Milwaukee.
Updated 31 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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i am in indianapolis, the birth place of dry-humping (code for kinda boring).
Updated 34 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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RT @ThrillFinn Ozzie on Sandusky: "the only babysitter i trust" #ozziemisquotes
Updated 42 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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ozzie guillen on adolf hitler: "he just had that 'it' factor." #ozziemisquotes
Updated 42 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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today in Pensacola i will be pretending i'm an alcoholic p.i. sent here to solve a cold case. no leads, everyone's a suspect.
Updated 42 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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if guys are allowed to tuck their ears into a hat i should be allowed to hit them over the head with a bat.
Updated 43 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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i will be celebrating Easter in Memphis by trying not to get murdered.
Updated 43 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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I've been in Texas for three days and I'm starting to sweat BBQ sauce. See you tonight Dallas.
Updated 43 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
danieltosh
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on tour & every night i will be releasing up to 20 of my tickets http://t.co/x8a4lCom i dont have 20 friends at home let alone in your city.
Updated 46 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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20 more episodes to go this season! we're taking a little break. make sure you send in cheese & film yourself lightly touching women's...
Updated 47 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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danieltosh
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in 10 min i will answer all of your tweets. IF i like the question. #endofhighfashion
Updated 47 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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what should we do with all the money from the ebay auction? find out if your recommendation wins tonight at 10. #endofhighfashion
Updated 47 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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I am a C
I am a C-H
I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N
and I have C-H-R-I-S-T in my H-E-A-R-T and I will L-I-V-E-E-T-E-R-N-A-L-L-Y
Updated 48 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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tomorrow's the last new episode before our spring break. we celebrate the end of high fashion the traditional way - by drinking semen.
Updated 48 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
danieltosh
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how is ashton kutcher going to play steve jobs in a movie when he's not even smart enough to write his own tweets?
Updated 48 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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#FinalFour prediction: this will be the last week anthony davis has one eyebrow. nba money = better barbershops
Updated 51 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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NOT manscaping is sexist. 'do unto others' ... no one wants to end their night face down in a thicket.
Updated 51 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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kentucky vs wizards? wow the best team in college might be as good as the nba's worst. reason enough to never watch NCAA or wizards #goheat
Updated 52 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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danieltosh
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danieltosh
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for every 4 million people in the demo who watch tonight's sode, we will give away a car. see you in 45 min.
Updated 54 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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no one would have a problem with Tebow's mechanics if he could throw the ball where he was intending.
Updated 54 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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tonight I give this guy the 2nd most memorable spring break of his life http://t.co/hWMgaKFD
Updated 55 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
danieltosh
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tune in next week to see me finally interview someone who can keep up with me on an intellectual level http://t.co/iTAsYrWv
Updated 58 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
danieltosh
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thanks for watching. if you want to see a longer version of my restaurant review, here it is. http://t.co/OIC2mN6l. see you next week
Updated 61 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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danieltosh
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if you are indifferent about the UFC you will not enjoy what i say in 30 min.
Updated 61 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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danieltosh
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if you're dying to see a man fight a woman in the octagon, then watch tonight's show at 10. IT'S TIME! #notonspiketv
Updated 62 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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danieltosh
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danieltosh
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the race is on. I will tweet back to you until the 3 doritos tacos I just ate need to fire out of me.
Updated 68 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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danieltosh
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tonight is the first and last time I do jokes about parkour. guess how we redeem this girl http://t.co/51w5TX7o see you at 10.
Updated 68 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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packing for a weekend in vegas. debating on bringing my soul.
Updated 72 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
danieltosh
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thanks for watching. 3 more days left on our ebay auction. remember, the money may go to a good cause. http://t.co/Ge7MaGxh
Updated 75 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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danieltosh
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in 20 minutes, we will be giving naked horsey rides to some lucky little boys. #giddyup
Updated 75 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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if you want to kill time before the new episode tonight, go waste your parents' money on the tosh.0 ebay auction http://t.co/Ge7MaGxh
Updated 76 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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new tour stops in colorado and oklahoma. presale starts today at 10am using password 'ANAL' http://t.co/zT5LZzAE
Updated 81 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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apparently the #toshauction was too dirty for ebay, so they shut it down. we cleaned it up - let the bidding continue. http://t.co/Ge7MaGxh
Updated 81 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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danieltosh
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I'm auctioning off 100 items from the show. all proceeds may or may not go to a good cause. http://t.co/Ge7MaGxh #toshauction
Updated 82 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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danieltosh
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this is your 20 minute warning. after the show, I will be giving you an opportunity to invest in tosh.0 history. #toshauction
Updated 82 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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also in honor of black history month, we will play "is it racist?" tonight. The healing begins at 10pm
Updated 82 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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2 of my 6 black friends @tbarnett23 @istevewilson will be on tonight's special black history month edition of tosh.0 at 10pm
Updated 82 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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if you need a steak knife to eat breakfast it is because you are an asshole.
Updated 83 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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the war on terror is officially reinstated. have a good night, thanks for watching. #rockpaperballs
Updated 89 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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rest easy america. the war on terror has been suspended for 30 min. so enjoy the show.
Updated 89 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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if there are any women over the age of 40 that are offend by tonight's show... get off your son's twitter account. see you in 45min
Updated 89 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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tv has come a long way because we are about to show real amateur pornography on tonight's show. see you at 10!
Updated 89 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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good lord @espn is mayweather writing for you? http://t.co/0tqdPapD #rinappropriate
Updated 93 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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alright you may resume making love to your below average looking significant others. see you next week
Updated 96 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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valentines day can suck my balls. let's watch some tv!
Updated 96 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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30 minutes away from the most romantic tosh.0 in history.
Updated 96 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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'twitten by' makes its triumphant return tonight at 10, so watch & see if you made the cut
Updated 96 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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Vday gift idea for that special someone http://t.co/ORUeUdRp guess how we use this on tonight's show. NSFW unless you work here.
Updated 96 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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congratulations to all homo sapiens who made my top 5 favorite races: 5) Latino 4) Arabic 3) Asian 2) Black 1) White
Updated 97 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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(please be compassionate when writing my will) I, daniel tosh, hereby...
Updated 103 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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I was just told by my business manager that I really need a will, so I thought what better time to bring back 'twitten by.'
Updated 103 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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today is a big day for my baby. she is having her ovaries ripped from her pussy. have your pet spayed or neutered.
Updated 103 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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i don't know how we do it, but every episode seems to get better and better. see you next week. #highfashion
Updated 103 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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hey guys, good luck finding anything about this week's wardrobe choice to make fun of. #highfashion
Updated 103 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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this week is both pro life and pro choice while still remaining extremely high fashion. new tosh.0 in 40 min.
Updated 103 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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much like the super bowl, everyone watches my show for the commercials too. see you at 10. bring your a-game.
Updated 103 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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Enjoy the big game, but remember you still have free work to do for my show. Film your reactions to the Super Bowl and maybe I'll air them.
Updated 105 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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your waking thought in Vegas should always be "I hate myself"
Updated 106 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
danieltosh
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antidepressants, check. gambling problem, check. headset to block out drunk girls calling me an asshole, check. Vegas here i come.
Updated 108 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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new stand up tour presale starts today at 10am - password "anal" http://t.co/x8a4lCom ENJOY.
Updated 110 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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here is the list of cities for the tosh tour twenty ten. presale tomorrow at 10 am. http://t.co/p63cgxO3 password in the a.m.
Updated 110 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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thanks for watching & thanks to @chrisrock - sorry it didn't work out. unfortunately I'll be here for 29 more episodes #highfashion
Updated 110 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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welcome back everybody. I have a feeling season 4 is gonna be a letdown, but that's just so seasons 5-9 will blow your mind
Updated 110 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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in 30 min... my wardrobe will set the fashion world ablaze.
Updated 110 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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i will be stepping down and introducing the new host midway through tonight's sode. i think you'll be in good hands
Updated 110 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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tuesdays are back to normal. "like a n-word ever left up out this bitch huh?" let's tweet at 10.
Updated 110 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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models: i'm not voting for u for any stupid magazine list! if u were really that Hot u wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
Updated 111 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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new season starts tomorrow. today i need you all to follow @nickswardson he's new on here so please cut him some slack for at least a week.
Updated 111 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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ladies, do us all a favor and knock it off with the exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Updated 115 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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sad day for me. just found out Lloyd Bridges died.
Updated 117 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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new season starts next Tuesday! who will be the new host? what will i be wearing? so many dumb questions will be answered. eee on eee!
Updated 118 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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bold move pandora! eminem station and you play a guns n' roses song. you know me better than i know myself.
Updated 120 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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i thought i was at a nice restaurant last night until I discovered that the chef did not know how to make a jumbaco.
Updated 124 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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please listen to @marcmaron new ep @WTFpod with one of my favorites @ToddGlass who tells us everything http://t.co/oNE1Acd2
Updated 126 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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danieltosh
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i am clearly not cut out to be a UFC fighter... i sobbed for 45 minutes during the movie "warrior".
Updated 138 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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ok the line is set! ( 3 )
number of my followers that die tonight. over/under? who wants action?
Updated 141 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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may we please start calling "The Real Housewives" - Former Hot Chicks with Really Gross Necks of... (insert gold digging eligible city)
Updated 141 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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just picked up 8 dog shits and a dead small rat in my yard, with one bag!!! reduce, reuse, recycle! #smalldogsrule anyone need a rat?
Updated 148 days ago via web Permalink
danieltosh
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