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When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
1,906,141 Fans ON FIRE!
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8.6 Tweets Per Day (TPD)
1.3% Reply Rate
94.3% Link Posting
Location: human shield + Map
@danecook
Official Site
night dude
Updated about 12 hours ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
goodnight girl
Updated about 12 hours ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I find Chris Brown's music very hit his miss.
Updated about 15 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
This solar eclipse looks strange to me. Maybe I looked at it too long?? http://t.co/q1gLMlnf
Updated about 17 hours ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I'm in a long distain relationship.
Updated about 20 hours ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Ha.
Updated 1 day ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
You know you miss a girl when she is half way around the room.
Updated 1 day ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I'm worth dying for.
Updated 1 day ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Wanna rent a house in Hawaii next week. Ocean time with cool people. Any suggestions on what island I should crash? #lifeisshort
Updated 1 day ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Poolside at home watching my @RedSox. Life is grand.
Updated 1 day ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
It's been forever but email me a pic of what you are up 2 tonight 2 Direct2Dane@DaneCook.com - funny/wild/cool pic gets the RT!!! #go
Updated 1 day ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Wrote a song about this girl I met. I barely know her which is why there are only 7 words in the song but those 7 words seem nice.
Updated 1 day ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Instead of looking at things negatively try considering them ridiculously negative that way regular negative is bearable.
Updated 1 day ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Sometimes people come into your life at exactly the wrong time.
Updated 1 day ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Hugh, this is funny man… “@RealHughJackman: Hey guys, check out my latest "audition"... http://t.co/hhPasslW
Updated 1 day ago via Twitter for Mac
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I can't wait to get my girlfriend pregnant with someone else's baby.
Updated 2 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
It's not me. It's you.
Updated 2 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I am momentum drive energy force impulse power propulsion strength thrust. #forward
Updated 2 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I'm a damn good friend when it comes to women. They know they always have a penis to cry on.
Updated 2 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I won't back down. Unless I'm already going in that direction. Then hop in.
Updated 2 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Decided to stay in LA tonight & headline the Laugh Factory 10 show. It's gonna be killer. Get tix quick this is gonna be a home run!!
Updated 2 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
What's the proper way to start a death threat? "Dear (name of target)" or just dive right into the violent regalia & such?
Updated 3 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I want to make love on a sunken ship.
Updated 3 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
How to #GetTheMessege someone's not interested in seeing you anymore. 62.) They died 4 years ago.
Updated 3 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
How to #GetTheMessege someone's not interested in seeing you anymore. 48.) You text them & they reply "whose this? New #. Moved2 Fiji. Bye!"
Updated 3 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
It's amazing how you can hear a song on the radio and instantly be reminded of a person who held you hostage.
Updated 3 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Gym, dinner, swimming then doing a show. The day is begging me to let it rest but I won't.
Updated 3 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Someone sent me a pic from the red carpet NBC upfronts at Radio City Music Hall. @JeffreyTambor @ColletteWolfe & I. http://t.co/czqPTnI8
Updated 3 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
♫ “I Don't Want to Be” by Gavin DeGraw via #rexly http://t.co/jJpGW6R1
Updated 3 days ago via Rexly
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Just landed back in LA. Walking to the car just as Dream On kicks in. Whoo hoo!! #Home
Updated 3 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.
Updated 4 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I fight for what I want. I also fight for what I don't want. Pretty much always fighting except when I am boxing which is relaxing for me.
Updated 4 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Want to know if you're in the wrong relationship? If you were reading this hoping I really had the answer, it's over. You're welcome.
Updated 4 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I just overheard a conversation so boring I wanted to interrupt them with a topic.
Updated 4 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Headed to the airport leaving NYC for LA. I want nothing but the best for me both.
Updated 4 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
"Promise yourself to live your life as a revolution and not just a process of evolution." - A J D'Angelo
Updated 4 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Why do you always find out the truth right before bed? Damn. Weird way to leave NYC. All good. Trip was a major upgrade. My plans are laid.
Updated 4 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Back at the Comedy Cellar with Frosty, my first friend I ever made in NYC. Gettin' nostalgic. http://t.co/pGVWsRvv
Updated 4 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I'm feeling great about the Celts here. Hey @OpieRadio say more stuff!!
Updated 4 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Watching @Celtics - GO GREEN!!!!
Updated 4 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
NYC skyline. Always classic. @ Dunkin Donuts http://t.co/w8DdijJs
Updated 4 days ago via Instagram
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Group sex in a public place is my ultimate fantasy. 10 couples all getting down in the middle of a plaza without warning. A fuck mob.
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
One of the best parts about getting to know someone is what you learn about yourself.
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Sometimes things go from bad to worse back to bad then awful, rotten, pure shit to pathetic & back to bad which feels ok. Hang in there.
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Before you ask someone out Google yourself so you know what they're gonna find out & can apologize in advance.
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
When you hear a song that makes you want to get up, run away & chase your dreams just skip to the next track that's sensible & realistic.
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I'm sorry if something I said didn't offend you.
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
"For me, words are a form of action, capable of influencing change. Their articulation represents a complete, lived experience." - Bengis
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
“@Gizmodo: Tell us, what's the dumbest way you've ruined a phone. 140 characters or fewer. Ready? Go.” - Someone's bored.
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
“@ChasingMusic_: twitters telling me I have similar interests to @danecook ..this scares me.” - not as scared as I am. Who the f are you?!
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Just stepped offstage at the Comedy Cellar in NYC. Felt so great to be back! Thank you! http://t.co/aL2BUTNS
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier.
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
If you like texting while you drive you might also enjoy brushing your teeth with a gun or wiping your ass with a chainsaw.
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Housekeeping at my hotel did a poor job of cleaning up all the blood. What? Nobody washes ceilings anymore?
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Avoid being a 1st love. It's like being a concept car. All flash & promises, no power. Be someone's 2nd love. Standard parts that work.
Updated 5 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
The Comedian Comedians Were Afraid Of http://t.co/4sQk654P
Updated 5 days ago via Tweet Button
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I never thought I'd have a statue of myself erected in NYC. Humbled. http://t.co/wKMy6U0e
Updated 6 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
This was the shadow on my wall the other day. Not to horrifically frightening right? http://t.co/g2levq2R
Updated 6 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
You should not judge a persons life until you have seen a picture of them in a magazine. Then they've opened the floodgates. Get'em!
Updated 6 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Karma ain't a bitch if she works for you. Then she's just hard working, strong & opinionated.
Updated 6 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Is there a 24 hour vibrator delivery service?
Updated 6 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
"Endurance is the crowning quality, And patience all the passion of great hearts." J LOWELL ... ;)
Updated 6 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I hate that feeling when nothing is ominous.
Updated 6 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I can't remember a face but I remember a name, but only the name of person with no face.
Updated 6 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
When things get out of control I suggest turning into it while gently tapping the brake.
Updated 6 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
If your headline sucks I'm not reading your blog.
Updated 6 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Wanna see a preview of my new TV series 'Next Caller'? Fine. Here. NBC Comedy http://t.co/pd8pqW5J
Updated 7 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
1st night back in NYC was too fun. Great parties, tons of positive energy. I feel blessed. Tomorrow busy but worth it. Onward & upward!
Updated 7 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Missing Donna, my lovely mom, today. She was awesome. Mom you're in my heart, on my mind & I love you! http://t.co/83hm3h4v
Updated 7 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Good afternoon people of the nation. Flying to NYC for the purposes of being there. It's gonna be a memorable one.
Updated 8 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Just got a wrong number booty text - said "cum get me Vin." Wrote back this is Vins doctor he's in surgery can you cum give him a ride home?
Updated 8 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
;)
Updated 8 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I like a girl that isn't afraid to jump in front of me during a robbery & say "babe, please. I got this one, you bought dinner."
Updated 8 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I'm driving down Sunset Blvd cranking Def Leppard Rock of Ages. I feel like I'm cruising Revere beach back in the day
Updated 8 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I was not invited to something probably happening somewhere today. That really bothers me.
Updated 9 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
This weekend just turned into so much more. I'm very happy. Balanced, creative & being bold. Thank u all 4 the replies today. Read 'em all!
Updated 9 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I'm performing at the Laugh Factory to-night-morrow 10 o'clock show. Come laugh your facelift off.
Updated 9 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Nothing creepier than a crow peeking out of kitchen sink drain cawing "let this caw be a caw lesson" & when you hit the disposal it laughs.
Updated 9 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I want you to go out & cause major trouble tonight. And don't come home until someone is scarred for life. #BallroomBlitz
Updated 9 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
"Inside of a ring or out, ain't nothing wrong with going down. It's staying down that's wrong." - Muhammad Ali
Updated 9 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
@DaneFans.com said "Next Caller" is on its way! Congrats." -Thx DFs! It's 1 part of several pieces - all month cool news coming. #staytuned
Updated 9 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
NBC Gives Series Order to Dane Cook Comedy 'Next Caller' - Hollywood Reporter http://t.co/Yd1T4rZ2
Updated 9 days ago via Tweet Button
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Happy bday my little sis @courtney_cook you're the best Court. Anyone who doesn't know you is missing out on a genuine soul. Love you tons!
Updated 9 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
;(
Updated 10 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Ya feel that? It's ya dreams dyin'. You gonna save 'em or what? Cause they sure as hell ain't gonna make'emselves come to life.
Updated 10 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I block unoriginal/pathetic drones on Twitter like a gunslinger. I'm that fast. I got this shit on #blockdown son.
Updated 10 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Found all my baby teeth the rents saved in a little jar. They're so damn tiny & adorable. I just wanna sprinkle them on someones filet.
Updated 10 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Careful Runyoners my phone/cash got stolen from my car on Vista. The perp also unknowingly took the Curse of the Jackal with them.
Updated 10 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Time Magazine's cover is pretty ballsy or tittsy. The kid looks nourished. Wonder if they call that the yum yum chair. http://t.co/7GwgaFS7
Updated 10 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
See.
Updated 11 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I believe everyone reading this has the ability to change their lives in the most incredible way simply by telling yourself you will try.
Updated 11 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I woke up at 6 am to the sound of someone outside my home yelling for help. My 1st thought was, "kinda early for help."
Updated 11 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Killer show at Laugh Factory.
Updated 11 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
"Smell Of The Day" http://t.co/rkrEETqg
Updated 11 days ago via Viddy
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
If you can't face the truth just text it.
Updated 11 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Looking in the mirror I apologized / forgave myself for mistakes I made. Then I turned away & whispered "ha, he fell for it."
Updated 11 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
When you win gloat, boast & make fun of everyone you beat. That way when you lose no one'll bother you while you're eating a shit sandwich.
Updated 11 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I RTing this bc Lisalla told me 2 - basically I'm the boy in this video right now. @LISALLA1 http://t.co/W2OwxBOh
Updated 11 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
If you accept yourself for who you really are, only then, can others feel comfortable telling you all your inadequacies.
Updated 11 days ago via web
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
“@anabellax0x: @danecook i fucking love you!!!” - I fucking know! ;)
Updated 11 days ago via Tweetbot for iOS
danecook
When I tweet, I tweet to kill.

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