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Doesn't the military possess a unique method of stopping their rape problem? You're the military, say 'Don't rape, and that's an order!'
Updated 8 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
This asshole just beat me out of 800 thousand dollars! http://t.co/LjMezjxuUo
Updated 10 days ago via Photos on iOS Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Fuck it's hot here in Vegas! However, Showroom at The Palms will be the coolest place in town this weekend, I promise
Updated 10 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Govt swabbing our DNA, snooping into calls, e mails -and I thought Michael Douglas had his nose in other people's business! Really, last one
Updated 10 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
I guess the economy's back, a Persian rug sold for $33.7 million! Michael Douglas says he'll munch it but be very careful! Sorry, last one.
Updated 10 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Tonight's #NEWRULES @HBO Real Time (video) http://t.co/zKHzQVS63f
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
If ur getting ready to watch NBA finals and want to explain it to ur gf, just say Eva Longoria's ex is playing against Gabrielle Union's bf
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Barry's #ReeferMadness @HBO #RealTime (video clip) http://t.co/harKF1TxhA
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
RIP Frank Lautenberg, my 1st senate vote back in NJ! Gov #ChrisChristie praised his service, and asked if the funeral will involve a buffet
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Battle is to #JohnMcCain what pussy is to #LarryFlynt-he can't do much about it anymore but'll race U to the car if he thinks ur gettin some
Updated 16 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
10 to 1 if Weiner wins NY mayor the Post headline is Jizzoner! How 'm I spewing? But thanks for the cover a year ago
Updated 17 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
And Ann Romney gave her first interview since the election this week. It's in Bitter Homes and Gardens. Says "no regrets". Not even losing?
Updated 17 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Damn if Mitt Romney wasn't right about the trees here in Michigan - they ARE the perfect height!
Updated 17 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Heading into the rain for show tonight in Grand Rapids - fuck the weather, Grand Rapids needs to laugh!
Updated 17 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
With Brit Marling after Real Time - really enjoyed her movie The East nice to see a thriller about something! http://t.co/4TcbhTVyH3
Updated 18 days ago via Photos on iOS Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
I should be going to bed but i can't stop binging on Arrested Development! Shit, I've become one of "those" people. But it is fucking funny.
Updated 20 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Ted and me on the set of his western where I play a filthy comic - stretch!!! http://t.co/CAXau6CZQt
Updated 21 days ago via Photos on iOS Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Saw Gatsby. They've tried to make this into a movie like 5 times, and 5 times it sucked. Maybe its the book, Old Sport.
Updated 22 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Syrian war turning into clusterfuck of all clusterfucks - and John McCain wants in! Now! Thank U Jesus for that man never becoming president
Updated 22 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Pope says Atheists can go to heaven! Yay, I'm booking my flight right now. Right after my cruise to Atlantis. Thanks, Francis!
Updated 22 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
PS, doesn't Obama have anyone on staff to toss hecklers? If U shut up lady, he's ANSWERING UR QUESTION! Maybe ONE more drone strike...
Updated 26 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Great start from Obama today on rethinking insane post 911 militarism. Made so much sense, i can hear the rightwingers hating it already
Updated 26 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
i feel bad for the victims in OKL, was just in the state, but when there's no more to actually report, the media engages in #DisasterPorn
Updated 28 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
I see, the IRS was using search words to target conservatives, like "TeaParty"or "Patriots." Or "halfwit" "cretin" "shitforbrains" "dumbass"
Updated 28 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Nanny-staters,enough! Now they want to lower the legal blood alcohol limit from .08 to .05? I'm just glad George Jones isn't alive to see it
Updated 30 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
#PatRobertson said cheating is just in men's DNA - that is shocking. Pat Robertson believes in DNA?
Updated 31 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Michael Moore, Zach Gallifinakas, S E Cupp, Andrew Ross Sorkin, Richard Haas from tonight's Real Time http://t.co/nNOQELTn4s
Updated 32 days ago via Photos on iOS Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Pot smokers are skinnier! And have better cholesterol! I swear, twas on the news. Oh, pot, is there anything you can't do?
Updated 33 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Johar's confession:"When U attack 1 Muslim,U attack all Muslims" - bad news, Fuckface: when U attack 1 marathon, U attack all pedestrians.
Updated 33 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The IRS targeted people who want to abolish the IRS?Shocking, like getting pulled over more after U put on the Fuck the Police bumpersticker
Updated 34 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Shit-U-not,Repubs voting to repeal Obamacare for the 37th time! This after another week of Benghazi. Why not just beat an actual dead horse?
Updated 35 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Happy Mother's Day - and to all taking your mothers to c me tonight at Claremont, don't worry, it won't be too dirty - well, a little dirty
Updated 37 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Atheist alert: Tx court ruled cheerleaders can write bible verses on banners at games! Because the morning after pill can't do everything.
Updated 38 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Oh, and front page today: we passed the long-feared 400 parts per million CO2 level. But never mind, did Susan Rice use the word terrorist?!
Updated 38 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Unemployment is down, deficit shrinking, home values up, stock market thru the roof - such a shame we have to impeach Obama for Benghazi
Updated 38 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
James Bond for #NERDS @ZacharyQuinto @StarTrekMovie (video clip @HBO #RealTime) http://t.co/5h7Hx3UPCP
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Eat your heart out Trekkies - with Zachary Quinto after Real Time http://t.co/7X7o1antWj
Updated 39 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Tam got buried today, Joker just wanted to remember him the way he was the last time Joker saw him: screaming under the tires of his SUV
Updated 40 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
If Obama can call a basketball player for coming out of the closet, he shld thank that guy in Cleveland for getting 3 women out of a dungeon
Updated 42 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
#JasonCollins: the crowd in color-coordinated outfits, the It-Gets-Better handslaps after missed foul shots - u mean the NBA cld get gay-ER?
Updated 43 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
So...44% of Rep.s think an ARMED REBELLION might be necessary in the next few years. So if u say most Rep.s r fucking nuts u'd be off by 7%
Updated 44 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
NRA convention was awesome, sorry u guys missed it! Theme was "Stand and Fight"! Also,"Bitch About Way Things Used To Be On Rascal Scooters"
Updated 44 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
April was the deadliest month in Iraq in 6 years. On the bright side, the Bush museum has a lovely Oscar de la Renta dress that Laura wore.
Updated 47 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Man that #JasonCollins got a lot of support good for him - now #BradPaisley wants to do a duet called "Accidental Homophobe"
Updated 47 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Did you know the old Tsarnaev was on welfare? You think Republicans hate him for terrorism, wait till they find out he was a taker!
Updated 48 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Obama was good today saying #Notmyjob to make them behave! Jesus, usually when a democracy functions this poorly its cuz we're occupying it
Updated 49 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Heading to Morgantown W Va. For stand up tonight. Haven't played this state since I opened for Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons in 1982!
Updated 52 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
With @jimmykimmel who reminded me that we're a lot closer than I remembered. He was great tonight on Real Time! http://t.co/hICYyOFv3D
Updated 53 days ago via Photos on iOS Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Just sayin, if the centerpiece of ur presidential liberry is a twisted hunk of metal, u were a shitty president #BushsBigDay
Updated 54 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Quite a scene at #BushLiberry - both Bushes, and the 3 Democrat presidents, or as W. calls them, Peanut-man, Cigar Guy and Blackie
Updated 54 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Its #ArborDay! Is that why Lindsay Lohan planted her Mercedes in a tree?
Updated 54 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Just For Laughs Chicago Festival show #JFLChicago! Pre-sale happening tomorrow, Friday, April 26th beginning @ 10am … http://t.co/T4Vrn9yHX8
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Hey let's not let the #DouchebagBrothers affect the immigration bill. Except the part where you get a pronounceable name on Ellis Island.
Updated 56 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Learning about Dagestan - apparently their flag is a red stripe, a blue stripe, and a pair of white vinyl men's dress shoes.
Updated 57 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
and remember...give a man a joint, you get him high for a day; teach a man how to grow hydroponic weed in his garage, and he's high for life
Updated 58 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Happy 420! It was yesterday? Shows my commitment to it! Don't forget the stoner rallying cry: We're here, we're queer...oh, wait
Updated 58 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Here's to Boston cops, they did what so many men never have been able to do: they found the little man in the boat.
Updated 59 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
With two veterans of Politically Incorrect still helping me out on a big news day http://t.co/yHRoaDQj2y
Updated 60 days ago via Photos on iOS Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Tsarnaev grew up in Kyrgyzstan so I'm guessing its not the first time he's been on the lamb
Updated 60 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
#Boston I hope you're all enjoying the brief respite before the right starts blaming everything on Obama.
Updated 61 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
#PaulKevinCurtis really makes me miss the 80s when you'd get a package in the mail with white powder and it was a GOOD thing!
Updated 61 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
#PeaceAsStrength @HBO #RealTime (video clip via: whosay) http://t.co/1VfPNqLTwD
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Its horrible, but this time, let's not overreact, wallow, erect monuments to terrorism; let's handle it Israeli-Munich style
Updated 64 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
I'm in Oklahoma City for a show tonight at the Civic Center Music Hall. Even tho there's no music in my act and I'm not very civic.
Updated 65 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Really, I'm very hurt. They've always protested me when I'm in the area. Has the magic gone out of our relationship? I still hate YOU!!!
Updated 66 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Just arrived Topeka for show tonight, found out the 'GodHatesFags' people will be protesting Bon Jovi not me -is it something I didn't say?
Updated 66 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Sorry all offended by Thatcher tweet; what I meant was, we'll never c another pol who combines WF Buckley's wit and Dusty Springfield's hair
Updated 68 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Thatcher had Alzheimer's, just like Reagan; I'm not saying being a conservative turns ur brain to mush,but Clinton & Carter both still sharp
Updated 68 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The #sealhunt has begun. Please #give $10 to @humanesociety Sign up here to donate via Twitter: http://t.co/2r54kyp9Pn
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
"If U don't judge the gold chains, I'll forget the iron chains" - wow, #LLCoolJ, I must say that's a pretty good deal for racists & slavers!
Updated 70 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
On the river in Savannah, getting ready for tonight's show after eating some grits. WTF r grits? http://t.co/wcthT7Oi5A
Updated 72 days ago via Photos on iOS Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
That's me in Columbia, S Carolina shaking hands with a big cock! (Thought I'd give the haters a free one http://t.co/rXCpBCwvs0
Updated 73 days ago via Photos on iOS Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Quarter of the country thinks Obama is/might be the AntiChrist, over half now for pot legal: that's America, always dragging that idiot tail
Updated 75 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
I think we should stop calling them "student athletes" and call them what people who work for free are usually called: Interns
Updated 76 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Leaving @jimmykimmel after taping tonight's show. Always a fun crowd. And he's jealous of my Mets ownership, so that was nice.
Updated 77 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Next year, no Internet April Fools jokes, ok?I don't go to Google to c cute gags;I go to Google to c how big Kim Kardashian's ass is getting
Updated 77 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
With my homey Downtown Julie Brown at my Easter party last night http://t.co/MBomD9Mvfu
Updated 79 days ago via Photos on iOS Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Washington"pot is legal" State having to retrain drugsniffing dogs to NOT detect pot! If they want to borrow mine, trust me he's used to it
Updated 82 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
...or even better:"Marriage" applies to straight, gay, circus animals, whatever - and oldschool man-woman marriage is now "Marriage Classic"
Updated 83 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Listening to Supremes on whether Marriage is a magic word earned only be ejaculating in a vagina...jeez! How bout we call it Gay Narriage?
Updated 83 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
I'm sick of Iraq War anniversary talk - we get it, Bush lied and fucked up and 150 thousand died - which makes it almost as bad as Benghazi!
Updated 84 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Poolside at The Palms. I gave up suffering for Lent. http://t.co/7v9GD3vKdX
Updated 86 days ago via Camera on iOS Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. Also been lying about its weight
Updated 86 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Vegas!!! So excited to be here starting at The Palms tonight! And losing my salary after the show!
Updated 87 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
With the Man with the Golden Ears. It's just a coincidence my sweater matches his tie, pls no rumors. http://t.co/WJbdI0dfIF
Updated 88 days ago via Photos on iOS Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Kudos to WholeFoods for not carrying GMO salmon FDA is hot for - its salmon with eel - perfect for folks who like salmon but wish it slimier
Updated 88 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Bachman:Obamacare kills! Right,guns don't kill people, affordable healthcare kills people. See why I call them the #MentalPatientParty?
Updated 89 days ago via Twitter for iPhone Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
It just dawned on me: why am I paying all this money for a Carnival Cruise, when I can sit home in the dark in my own shit?
Updated 93 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
China ALSO got a new leader this week but media didn't cover it cuz he wasn't chosen by a bunch of dudes in crimson ball gowns.
Updated 94 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
#Confessions @HBO #RealTime (video via: whosay) http://t.co/Y3raxyDB5J
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Can we stop this"Pope is intellectual" bs? Can't be an intellectual if U think Unicorns r real, or Klingons,or obvious myths from Bronze Age
Updated 97 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Congratulations to the Vatican on the new pope! And this time, they found one who never was a Nazi! (we hope, he's from Argentina)
Updated 97 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
My spies tell me one of the frontrunners for pope is Cardinal Turkson, from Africa. But he showed up with 2 pitbulls,which was a big mistake
Updated 98 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Media, STOP saying Pope job so onerous- Ur selling an invisible product! Infallible, diplomatic immunity, life tenure - its the EASIEST job!
Updated 98 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Papal conclave has begun! So exciting, like the Oscars all over again- we all want to know:Who will win, and who's dress will he be wearing?
Updated 99 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
Dow's record high: great news for the 1/4 of Americans that make less than $10 an hour: rich people now have more $ to pay you to blow them!
Updated 101 days ago via web Permalink
billmaher
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
The Official Bill Maher Twitter
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