Home > Conan O Brien
I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account. | 519,429 Fans POPULAR Chance of Friendship: Never 1 Tweets Per Day (TPD) 1% Reply Rate 128% Link Posting Location: Los Angeles + Map |  @ConanOBrien Official Site | |
.@Snooki is considering filming her childbirth, on the off chance there’s someone out there who hasn’t seen her vagina yet.
Updated about 8 hours ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
If Obama's the first gay president, then I'm the first gay late night host! Oh, he's not gay? Then I was being sarcastic.
Updated 1 day ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
You know who’s behind this big push for gay marriage? The immensely powerful tuxedo industry.
Updated 2 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Instead of flowers, I sent my Mom an assortment of unsecured Greek Treasury bonds.
Updated 3 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I’m just like the Hulk, except when I’m mad, I get dry mouth.
Updated 4 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Thought from a recent hotel stay: doesn’t “Toblerone” sound like a character on Game of Thrones?
Updated 5 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Just heard someone logging onto AOL. Instead of “You’ve Got Mail” the voice now says, “Greetings, Old Fool!”
Updated 6 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
This baseball season has an upside: my son gets to see the Red Sox I grew up with!
Updated 7 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I went to see “The Avengers” today and it was sold out. I looked like an idiot dressed like the Hulk during a showing of “Think Like a Man.”
Updated 8 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Tonight on #Conan, @MettaWorldPeace and I have a civilized interview. And then one of us smashes Andy in the face. http://t.co/BoGeW5gh
Updated 9 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Hey, say what you will about Donald Trump. Seriously, go ahead.
Updated 10 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Ever get really into playing a video game, only to discover it was just one of those high-tech Japanese toilets?
Updated 11 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Easy mistake: instead of renting MONEYBALL I accidentally rented a porn film called MILF WRANGLERS 6, VOLUME 2.
Updated 12 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
What will history remember more? Muhammad Ali vs Joe Frazier, or Gavin DeGraw vs Jaleel White?
Updated 13 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Question for the ladies: Late-onset back hair… as sexy as I hope? #FingersCrossed
Updated 14 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
People always ask me: “WHY?! OH GOD WHY?!!?” Mostly at the beach.
Updated 15 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
This is my actual PIN number: http://t.co/L0WL3tLD
Updated 16 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald.
Updated 17 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Siri, what is the location of “my misspent youth?”
Updated 19 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Tonight on #Conan, Jack Black and I fight to the death. Or chat about his latest project. Check It out: http://t.co/JAl0raZ9
Updated 20 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and saw my Dad looking back at me. We should stop taking baths together.
Updated 21 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Take a moment to thank the veterans of our many Storage Wars.
Updated 22 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I sure hope TMZ doesn’t put up that footage of Angela Lansbury kicking my ass in a road rage incident.
Updated 23 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Why are people so impressed by wine cellars but so saddened by my Jagermeister crawlspace?
Updated 24 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Just heard the craziest recording of Mel Gibson speaking in calm and measured tones.
Updated 25 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
30% of all web traffic is porn. That number climbs up to 70% if you count those of us who masturbate to LOL Cats.
Updated 26 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I saw Rick Santorum on the news today. He was making sure a pregnant pause reached full term.
Updated 27 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I play a pivotal role in the new #Halo4. I'm trusting all of you not to harm my defenseless character. #NaiveBoob http://t.co/SuEIIOXE
Updated 28 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
My wife won’t see the new Three Stooges movie with me. She’s still mad they didn’t go with Shemp.
Updated 31 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The North Korean missile test has failed. Video here: http://t.co/HcVVmgiB
Updated 32 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 5.4 million Twitter followers as dependents?
Updated 33 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The 2nd season premiere of Eagleheart airs tonight at Midnight on @AdultSwim. I'd watch, but I have no other plans.
Updated 34 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Actually both. That IS a tube of Chapstick in my pocket AND I'm glad to see you.
Updated 34 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
There are two kinds of Mexican restaurants. Those that serve fresh authentic cuisine, and ones that serve the cheap, greasy junk I love.
Updated 35 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Katy Perry has a new 3-D concert movie coming out. Nope. No joke to make there.
Updated 36 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
President @BarackObama claims to be a Trekkie. But where’s the proof? Why won’t he release his fan fiction?
Updated 37 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
My mother used to hide the eggs in the same place every Easter... the dairy section of our local supermarket.
Updated 38 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I refuse to play the Masters Tournament until Augusta National admits women. I encourage all other non-golfers to do the same.
Updated 39 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Just saw a lame white guy lip-synching a Jay-Z song as I drove past the mirror store.
Updated 40 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
They can see every man's bald spot and down every woman's blouse. THAT'S why giraffes are always smirking.
Updated 41 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
There are over 2000 Applebee’s in this country, and I won’t rest until my photo hangs in every one.
Updated 42 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Tonight On #Conan, @MikeTyson talks about [STANDARDS & PRACTICES EDIT]
Updated 42 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
"I'm very gooooooooaaaaaaaaaaall!!!!-oriented." (Mexican sportscaster at a job interview)
Updated 43 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
My new iPad is getting real hot. I’m confused… Are they not microwavable?
Updated 44 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
.@mashable is out of touch. So as of this moment, I am taking over. ALL HAIL YOUR NEW CEO: http://t.co/NPsiLz4m #Conashable
Updated 45 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The Smithsonian has a video game exhibit. There’s even a tour guide who yells at you for not being outside on such a nice day.
Updated 46 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Like most party animals, I start my weekend by checking the three day forecast on http://t.co/yBhyZuPa.
Updated 47 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Jesus, Abe Lincoln, Sofia Vergara, and Sofia Vergara again. #MyFinalFour
Updated 48 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
After his shocking statement, Ron Burgundy proves once again he is the master of the jazz flute. Check it out: http://t.co/ry3GGwBg
Updated 49 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Ron Burgundy makes an incredible announcement on my show tonight. http://t.co/ujtsebxY
Updated 49 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
What I see every day at rehearsal: http://t.co/MvkmgGfQ
Updated 49 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Bear Grylls' survival show got canceled last week. Something tells me he's going to make it through this just fine.
Updated 50 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Got my oil changed downtown just so I could tweet something that sounded dirty.
Updated 51 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
How embarrassing. My son opened a box labeled "Daddy's Things - Private" and found all my Styx cassettes.
Updated 52 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I’m in Vegas with the boys! Wait, nope. Home alone playing roulette on my iPad.
Updated 53 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Anyone else worried that we're in the midst of a cupcake store bubble?
Updated 54 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I dislike @JoelMcHale. Therefore, I will not tell you that @nbcCommunity is back and will not be strongly urging you to watch tonight @ 8.
Updated 55 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Tonight I host my show on a mini set. Why? Because I can. #miniCONAN http://t.co/FJOyekWL
Updated 57 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I finally saw Drive. Man, it really captures that awkwardness of when the girl you’re courting watches you kill a henchman on an elevator.
Updated 57 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Excited about my new Guinness Nikes. These are so much nicer than my Jose Cuervo Crocs. http://t.co/2FTJJg8P
Updated 58 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
At some point, I’m going to have to tell my kids they’re not adopted. They’ll be crushed.
Updated 58 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Hey guys, I’m starting a cool new hashtag: #tweetmeyoursocialsecuritynumber
Updated 59 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Any good will the Irish earn during the year, they squander it all on St. Patrick's Day.
Updated 60 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Follow the folks who run my website @TeamCoco. This week I'm giving them this tweet instead of paychecks. #FF
Updated 61 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
When they finally found Carmen Sandiego, her bones were scattered in a coyote den.
Updated 62 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Can someone please recommend a good Del Taco? I’m getting bored with my local one.
Updated 63 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Whoever said “clothes make the man” has not seen me struggling into a pair of mantyhose.
Updated 64 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it’s a trap because the prerequisites are English 101 & Brrrains.
Updated 65 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it’s a trap because the perquisites are English 101 and Brrrains.
Updated 65 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
It’s very considerate that all theaters showing Project X have a special “Creepy Older Guy” section.
Updated 66 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
It’s being reported that the richest man in the world right now is a Mexican billionaire. His name? Mitt Romniguez.
Updated 67 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I found the iPad 3 announcement especially disappointing because I’m still standing in line for my iPad 2.
Updated 68 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Already released from Spring Training… I guess yet another year will go by without me playing for the Red Sox.
Updated 69 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Why wasn’t there this much controversy when Rush Limbaugh called me a slut?
Updated 70 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I've been practicing for this year's St. Patrick's Day. Every morning, I have my personal trainer punch me in the face.
Updated 71 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Ever notice that you never see The Lorax and Wilford Brimley in the same room together? #AdmitItWilford
Updated 71 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Can't decide which I prefer, burial or cremation. Can you try one and then switch if you don't like it?
Updated 72 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Updated 73 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The Civil War reenactments are a little different here in LA. Larry King is always on hand yelling, “It wasn’t like that.”
Updated 74 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I would gladly trade all my fame and fortune for even more fame and fortune.
Updated 75 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Sure am glad I turned down that Nike endorsement deal. http://t.co/ZyPXqC5S
Updated 76 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I wonder if my car's blind spot compensates with a heightened sense of touch and smell.
Updated 76 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I want to open a delivery/linen/home-furnishings store just called "Etc, Things, & Beyond".
Updated 77 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
After my daily workout, I like to "Sweatbomb" my assistant: http://t.co/9hbIwpJt
Updated 78 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
You see a lot of celebrities here at the Warner Brothers gym. Clint Eastwood can scowl more weight than I bench.
Updated 79 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Just saw a Jeremy Lin jersey on sale for $300. These prices are Jeremy insane! Wait… Did I do that wrong?
Updated 80 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Today I’m gonna get high and see if the Nixon tapes sync up to Pink Floyd.
Updated 81 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
“Fine, sure, go ahead. Weird, but I like it.” (God greenlighting the Armadillo)
Updated 82 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Today I'm releasing a "Sync App" where you can watch #Conan on two screens at once. Take that, China! Get it here: http://t.co/8S7onDlP
Updated 83 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
If Meryl Streep is really such a great actress, why won’t she play the lead in my new movie, “The Tupac Shakur Story”?
Updated 84 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
There once was a man from Nantucket, who carried some clams in a bucket. #CleanLimericksAreBoring
Updated 85 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Another Monday where I can’t decide which Archie character to shave into my chest.
Updated 86 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
I can’t believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.
Updated 87 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The ShamWow guy just used the ShamWow on my windshield with his squeegee.
Updated 88 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Lunch: Sunflower seeds, an entire jar of kosher pickles, and Valentine's candy stolen from my daughter's room. http://t.co/DlJx7yRo
Updated 89 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Tonight on #Conan, I play with hamsters, urinate gravy, and @SteveMartinToGo is "sluggish." #QualityTelevision
Updated 89 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Lunch Today: turkey with sun-dried tomatoes. To drink, a can of Campbells mushroom soup from the 1970's. http://t.co/NHYjX9qU
Updated 90 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Today's lunch: a chicken tostada salad and homemade sangria I poured into a Vitamin Water bottle. http://t.co/2P2LsjbU
Updated 91 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Valentine's Day dinner with my Executive Producer, Jeff Ross. Love at last!! http://t.co/4nkur4Bf
Updated 91 days ago via web Permalink
ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
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